


Rudyard Funn, Superhero

by MotherFuckingSorcery



Category: Wooden Overcoats (Podcast)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Superheroes/Superpowers, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-06
Updated: 2020-10-06
Packaged: 2021-03-08 06:35:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 921
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26847517
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MotherFuckingSorcery/pseuds/MotherFuckingSorcery
Summary: Aside from that, Rudyard had many gripes. The foremost of them was Chapman. Chapman was a supervillain who never failed to both aggravate and charm Rudyard, in exactly equal measures. Despite being a supervillain, he managed to be more popular than Rudyard at any point of his life. It was a large sore spot for Rudyard, that the island he so graciously chose to defend, with only an occasional moan and complaint, barely tolerated him.  When he pointed that out to Antigone, Antigone rolled her eyes and disappeared. Literally.
Relationships: Eric Chapman & Rudyard Funn, Eric Chapman/Rudyard Funn
Comments: 4
Kudos: 34





	Rudyard Funn, Superhero

Rudyard Funn was a man of little means and little ability. Unfortunately, God had not taken this into account when creating the circumstances of his lives. With that thought in mind, Rudyard pulled the arrow out of his chest and yellled, punching a tree in pain. 

It was bad enough being the only person to have superpowers (and willing to use them) on an island that seemed predestined for trouble and villain attacks. It was a whole other level of bad when your superpower was being able to talk to animals. They lived in an island off of Britain, for God's sake. It’s not like Rudyard could summon a bear to eat enemies at his whims. The largest animal Rudyard had ever talked to had been a rather grumpy barn owl that had tried to nick Rudyard's shoes, which were brand new brogues.

It was hardly an intimidating superpower, was his point. No one had ever been afraid of Snow White, not even the dwarves, and they had been a third of her height. Even the animals didn't find him intimidating and that is why Rudyard only owns one brogue now.

Aside from that, Rudyard had many gripes. The foremost of them was Chapman. Chapman was a supervillain who never failed to both aggravate and charm Rudyard, in exactly equal measures. Despite being a supervillain, he managed to be more popular than Rudyard at any point of his life. It was a large sore spot for Rudyard, that the island he so graciously chose to defend, with only an occasional moan and complaint, barely tolerated him. When he pointed that out to Antigone, Antigone rolled her eyes and disappeared. Literally. Unlike Rudyard, Antigone used her powers for little more then peace and quiet, to watch her melodramatic French films without Rudyard's general paranoia.

Rudyard collapsed onto the sofa and had been there for all of three minutes when there was a large booming voice in the square.

“All Piffling Vale residents please make their way to the town square. Or else.”  
Rudyard groaned and trudged towards the center where all the residents of Piffling Vale had gathered. There was a large hologram of, jesus christ, Chapman. 

“ I will be flying the Earth into the sun in 24 hours unless-"

“How’s your mother, Eric?” Asked a little old woman, with a doting smile on her face like she was talking to her favourite grandson and not an evil bastard.

“She is fine, thank you, Marjorie. She really enjoyed those great cookies that you sent her,” replied Eric politely.

“Make sure you have some as well Eric, you are a growing boy after all,” Marjorie replied.

Rudyard promptly decided she was crazy.

“Anyway I will fly the Earth into the sun unless Rudyard Funn is delivered to me,” Eric coughed, continuing on.

“How comes Rudyard gets to go?” one person said.

“Yeah, why Rudyard?” another chimed in.  
“Yeah, when are you going to invite us for that barbecue you’re always talking about?” the third said, with a guffaw.

“Are you all insane,” Rudyard all but yelled, “This man is threatening to kill us all!”

“And a good thing too, the way that Brexit election went,” one woman said, nodding approvingly.

“It's rude to interrupt, Rudyard,” said Marjorie, giving him a hard stare. 

Rudyard refrained from punching himself in the head.

She directed her gaze at the hologram.

“Take care of yourself, Eric. And send my love to your mother,” she waved.

The hologram said goodbye and flicked off. Rudyard had never been such a violent shade of purple.

“Well, you better get going then, Rudyard,” said Antigone, slapping her knee, in what she thought was a helpful manner but really just made Rudyard want to pull out his hair and dance in a fountain naked.

Rudyard stomped off.

After avoiding the typical lava pits and irritatedp iranhas, Rudyard had finally got to the main room. Eric sat in an unnecessarily big spinning chair with Georgie by his side.

“What do you want?” Grumbled Rudyard, shaking off his new oxfords and, oh for Christ's sake they had a hole in them from those stupid piranhas.

No matter how many times he asked politely, they just rolled their eyes at him and snapped at him gently. Stupid Chapman.

“What do I want?” said Eric, looking confused.

“Yes,” 

“...An end to tuition fees?”

“I meant. Why did you call me here?”

“Because I wanted to see your delightful face, Rudyard.”

Rudyard took a deep breath so he would not die of a heart attack in a tackily decorated villain lair.

“Oi,” said Georgie, “I picked out those throw pillows.”

Rudyard glared at Georgie, who accepted this hateful stare with a grin.

“So you threatened destruction upon the whole island, to contact me?”

Eric blinked, like a dopy Labrador.

“Have you ever heard-“ 

At this point Rudyard had reached across the table to grab Eric by the lapels and was shaking him with indignant fury.

“Of a PHONE?”

Georgie watched this spectacle with an amused look. 

“Well, I suppose. But I don’t have your number, Rudyard,” said Eric, flipping his phone out and holding it to Rudyard’s face so he could put his number in.

Rudyard released him suddenly, and a thought came to him.

“Did you do this just to ask me out?” said Rudyard, in disbelief.

“Yep,” said Georgie, eating a biscuit.

Chapman grinned wryly and stuck his hand behind his head. 

“Did it work?”

Cheeks red, Rudyard typed in his number to Eric’s phone.

**Author's Note:**

> Haha


End file.
